BY: PATRICK SCUTTLESBY
“Victimless crime”—a term describing illegal activity that doesn’t have a direct negative effect on another person. If you smoke pot, get discreetly shit-faced in public or steal from Walmart, you’re likely familiar.
What I’m about to give you is the fucking Marauders Map of victimless crime. The holy grail of getting what you want at the expense of mildly sociopathic behavior. I’m not saying these techniques are moral, I’m saying they’re effective.
Laws are concrete; the human logic guarding them is not. If you play your cards right, you can learn to bypass the laws, get what you want and be a good person all in one go.
How to always get everything free from Starbucks every time.
As a former Starbucks employee, I can attest to the endless slew of promotions, bonuses and social media give-outs that the baristas rarely know about and are forced to dance with on a daily basis. We’re going to go ahead and make up a “promotion” that came up on your Twitter feed, offering customers “a free drink in exchange for downloading the Starbucks application on your phone.”
Walk up to the counter and immediately small-talk the barista. The trick here is remaining friendly, confident, and at just the right moment, pathetically confused. The more rapport you build with the barista, the more likely they are to see you as a friend rather than just another customer.
At some point the barista will ask you for your order—I usually go with whatever’s expensive. Place your order and cheerfully explain to them that you had been offered a promotion over Twitter that gave you a free drink for downloading the Starbucks application. At this point, a secondary barista will likely start preparing your drink.
Stall the process as long as possible. Try opening the application on your phone only to realize that, oopsie-daisy—you completely forgot to turn your data on. Once you finally get the application working, prepare for phase two: pathetic confusion. Hand your phone to the barista and ask them if they would mind scanning it themselves because you’re a technological leper and have absolutely no idea how to work the simple application. The barista will scan the code, which obviously isn’t going to work because the promotion doesn’t fucking exist. Just remain adorably confused. “That’s so weird… Did I not download the application properly?” “Is there some sort of code I’m supposed to put in?” “Maybe try scanning it again?” It doesn’t really matter what you say. If a line starts to form behind you, even better. Just keep acting sad and confused and eventually the barista will give up and say, “Ah, don’t worry about it.”
Remember, at this point your drink is likely already prepared and the barista would much rather give it to you than throw it out, whether you paid for it or not. All you have to do now is thank them profusely and graciously accept the free drink.
The beauty of this scheme is that not only do you get your ludicrously priced frozen drinks for free, but you’re also doing a good deed. That warm fuzzy feeling the barista gets for helping your pathetic ass? That’s all you.
It’s not like it’s coming out of their pockets. Starbucks enjoys an estimated 100 billion dollar market value—and half the time they don’t even pay their corporate tax. So technically, it’s coming out of your pocket. You earned it.
How to get free breakfast everyday and travel without spending a dime on food.
This next trick is perfect for those looking to travel on a budget. Or if you spent this week’s grocery budget on beer because you’re an immoral alcoholic asshole.
Most major hotels offer free continental breakfasts for their guests between the hours of 7:00 and 10:00. They don’t require verification. Just walk in like you’re freakin Tony Montana and enjoy a free breakfast on the house any day.
I’ve gone on two week road trips with a virtually zero dollar grocery bill using this trick. Is it immoral to eat their food? That depends on where you’d prefer it to end up. According to Green Hotelier, estimated annual statistics suggest UK hotels waste 79,000 tonnes of food each year. In the U.S., about four to ten percent of hotel food is discarded before reaching the plate.
Do the right thing and eat up. Stash some food in your bag for later—you’re doing your country an environmental service.
Don’t forget to hit the pool on your way out.
How to get any job you want.
Some of the most powerful CEOs on the planet have blatantly faked their way into their positions. Call them assholes, but you’ve likely used their products.
Let’s say you want to become a bartender. You’ve never worked at a restaurant a day in your life. Do you A) spend the next few months gaining experience in lower level positions earning subpar money to climb your way to the top, or B) take two seconds to fake your work experience and take the first-class express route to your dream job?
If you answered A), put this list down and return to princess gumdrop land because you’re a sheep-minded little pansy. If you answered B) congratulations…Mister or Madame President. You got the job.
All you have to do is find a restaurant in a different town that has recently shut down and slap its name on your resume above six months of faux bartending experience. If your future employer needs to do a reference check, they can contact your boss’s direct line (your best-friend’s cellphone number).
How to get free unlimited alcohol.
Some people say you’ll never be happy unless you earn success with integrity, which is rock solid advice if you plan to lose your virginity at 52.
Morality is a thing that only sober people worry about and frankly I want nothing to do with it. How do you stay drunk? Enter the scheming douchebaggery of social-media celebrity Justin Lee Ross.
Widely known for exploiting loopholes in the travel industry to leverage a life of cheap luxury, Ross abuses the hospitality of first-class lounges with the mighty sword of refundable tickets. His method is simple: buy a refundable first class ticket to anywhere, use it to gain access to the first class lounge, then cancel the ticket last minute—but not before you’ve spent an entire day using their WiFi, drinking free airport booze and eating cocktail weenies.
How to get free food from your favorite fast food joint.
Do you think a manager at McDonald’s honestly cares about giving out a few wholesale cow-ass grade patties for free? Say the right words and turn any fast-food employee into your own personal sandwich dispenser.
If you can suppress your filthy-conniving attitude for five minutes to sound like a reasonable human being, you’ll be surprised at the heights you can reach in this world.
All you have to do is roll up to that fast food drive-through and explain that you had come by last night and ordered five burgers to share with your girlfriend, but when you got home there were only three in the bag. Make sure to specify that you would have come back last night but you live twenty minutes away and didn’t want to make the drive. However, you “work on this side of town” so you thought you would stop by and see if anything could be done about the situation.
Don’t sound angry—sound disappointed. Your tone of voice should lead them to believe that your job is somehow shittier than theirs. In fact, the only thing that keeps you from blowing yourself away at night are the shitty-burgers that only they have the power to supply. And they will give you the burgers. One time I got two free burgers and a full refund for a meal I never even bought.
How to earn free admission to anywhere.
With the right outfit, you can get free admission to virtually anywhere. Typically, the right outfit is a reflective work vest, hard-hat, and/or a repairman’s jumpsuit.
This one simple investment will get you into 90 percent of situations. There isn’t an event on the planet that doesn’t have “a guest toilet in need of a bowl gasket repair and replacement fill valve.”