How to get over a breakup: 5 unconventional ways to move on

BY: WINNIE YEBUGA

The more break-ups you’ve been through, the more you develop a steady, ‘go-to’ routine after each one. You know the drill. Have a bitch-fest about your ex with your friends over bottomless wine or beer. Spend a night scrolling through Tinder with your buddies, looking for your next hook-up. Wallow in your own self-pity with nothing but a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and a stack of shitty rom-coms to keep you company. Or if you opt for something more productive you might start putting in all the effort you gave to your relationship to your job in the hopes that it will enhance your career.

I won’t deny that these passionate steps we take make us feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t usually get us what we want long-term.

Complaining about your ex won’t make them change, or make a more suitable partner show up on your doorstep. Scrolling superficially through Tinder won’t give you the eyes to see the most important qualities you’re looking for in a treasured partner. And let us be reminded, once and for all, that the efforts we make in our professional lives won’t solve issues that we face in our personal lives. So let’s stop buying into that scam.

You may still hold dearly and loyally to the above-mentioned break-up ‘go-to’s, but consider these 5 unconventional ideas for moving on productively from a break-up.

1. Think about what you love about your ex – and only what you love about your ex

Wtf?, you’re saying. I get it, the ex was and still is the scum of the earth in your eyes, but consider for a second that there could be a hint of goodness still lingering around somewhere in your ex – even if it’s only the pinky toe.

If there was something you liked about them then, chances are, those are good qualities you’d appreciate in a new partner. Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, gives a great piece of advice: make a list of all the attributes you loved about your ex – actually, ALL of your exes – and now you have a list of what you’re looking for in a new partner.

When you’re pre-occupied with this love-list of qualities, you’ll have less time to spend wallowing in a breakup pity-party. Focusing more on what you do want, rather than what you don’t want, will keep you more committed to truly finding it.

2. Get pissed about everything else that is going wrong in your life, and get busy making changes

You’re already pissed about your ex – that’s great. Keep that angry feeling and direct your anger towards everything else that you’re unhappy with in your life. Keep in mind that if you feel the need to complain about something in someone else’s life, make sure you aren’t smelling the stench of anything in your own life first.

Maybe you’re pissed that your car has been giving you trouble for a year? Take some time out once and for all to finally fix it, or look into getting a new one. Eliminate the problem.

Make sure there aren’t any ‘incompletes’ in your life, or problems unattended to. Make your whole life a checklist to attend to and work on it everyday.

By doing this, you allow for better fertile ground for you to entertain and maintain a new healthy relationship. (And who knows, maybe even a new relationship with your recent ex). The majority of relationships fall apart because of detrimental habits in each person’s relationship with themselves. Make sure you’re setting yourself up, and your life, for a good one.

3. Where do you want to meet someone? Spend time in those places

Where have you always fantasized about meeting someone? Get your friends involved and plan to go out to different places on your list. You of course will be having a good time out with your friends, so it doesn’t hurt to go somewhere where you’ve also always thought of meeting someone.

And for whatever reason you’re drawn to whichever place you’re drawn to, chances are, someone who has similar interests will be there too.

Fantasize about meeting a stranger on a ballroom dance floor? Find a charity ball event in your area (or go travel on a bus to one in another city) or take a dance class. The excitement alone from taking action and spending time at places you love will be fun enough, so it’s a win-win whether you meet someone or not. But often times, when you’re happy and just living your life, you end up attracting people to you.

4. Work out that solar plexus

Yes, working out is the most tried and true method for overcoming hard emotional times.

But after a break-up, focus on crunching that core abdomen. The core abdomen is related to the solar plexus chakra – the energy centre related to self-identity concepts of self-worth and self-power. If you’re going through a break-up, chances are, this is a part of your emotions that is being challenged at the moment.

As you work out, give some more attention to this part of your body. I literally can’t feel sorry for myself while I’m doing a sit-up – it’s like one cancels out the other. Work your solar plexus while remembering your self-worth/personal power. Take it a step further and listen to empowering music as you do so. Focusing on bettering yourself physically will also help to heal you mentally.

5. Use negative feelings to foster positive ones

Let’s get a bit logical here…

The reason you are upset over a break-up is because of what you see as unloving/negative events.

If unloving/negative events made you sad, and destroyed your relationship, wouldn’t it make sense to then focus and commit to what is loving/positive?

I know in matters of the heart, we have a hard time thinking logically, but if you can remember that love and positivity feels good, more and more you will start to crave only being in this space. For the mere fact that it feels good to be in love – whether that means being in love with yourself, with those who make you feel good and respect you, or with all the things in your life that you enjoy. Dealing with negativity over a long period of time wears down on a person, and it is irrelevant to what you want to experience, so consider leaving it behind. It can be hard, especially when you have a pair of love goggles on, but as difficult as breakups can be, holding on to toxic relationships and dealing with little bits of negativity over a long period of time is so much worse for your overall well-being.

Remember this, and stay in love everyday of your life like it’s Valentine’s Day. Let what you don’t want to experience be an inspiration to commit more deeply and whole-heartedly to what you DO want. Use those negative experiences and turn them into something positive.

April 6, 2017

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