BY: ADRIAN SMITH
I ran into someone I used to work with last night at a bar, while I was out with a couple of new friends from class. I probably hadn’t seen her since last April, but it was nice running into someone I only knew specifically from a workplace setting, out on her own time. She was about to leave the bar with her roommates and only had a few minutes to talk, so the our conversation we had was brief. But in that time, we were able to speak, openly, about how each other had been—instead of what we had been doing lately.
I explained to her where my head’s at, how it got there, what I learned of myself this summer and what I now wanted from life She let me know what her interests are, what she’s realized she’s good at, what still confuses her, and what she wants to accomplish next. As she stood up, she told me that this was the first time she’d ever really heard me speak–like, really speak. And she was right. I didn’t have many real conversations with anyone last year, or any of my first four years at school. I never actually said how I was doing, or what I’d been thinking. The thing is, no one ever really asked. It’s always sort of, “what’s up with you lately?.” Although it was cool that we were able to speak honestly about these things for the first time, it bothered me that I hadn’t been doing that with her before. I hadn’t been doing that with anyone.
There’s a routine We enter a routine in conversations that allows us to just go through the motions. “How was your summer? Where did you work? How are your classes this year?” No one actually cares about this shit, but we always ask these sorts of questions and never listen to the answers we receive in order to survive the interaction without messing it up. People don’t like the feeling of struggling through a quick conversation, or not knowing what to talk about, so we create these conversational checkpoints instead of just asking “how are you” and really listening. No one ever wants to reveal too much, or any of themselves, but there are so many things you can learn about someone if you just ask, and there’s so much to be said if you decide to stop speaking in generalities.
How am I now? I’m in a better headspace than I was four or five months ago. I’m at a point where I, and everyone around me who wants something bad enough, is willing to put in the work that’s necessary to get it. That’s how I am. I’m downloading music that I’ve always heard about, but never actually listened to. I make an effort to cook now instead of picking up pizza from convenience stores. I’ve been drinking tea. Learning these things about people holds a lot more significance than knowing that they worked for their parents’ company all summer, what courses they’re taking in school, and if they’re still seeing Sarah or Michael.
People have a great capacity for understanding, and a genuine knowledge or interest in a number of different fields. We need to learn how to prompt thoughtful conversation from one another. No one just starts off rambling about their lives if they feel it won’t be reciprocated. You need to create that level of cadency by being open with your own thoughts and ideas, your own discoveries and questions in order to get that same level of openness in others. Maybe then we’ll find ourselves more comfortable in those quick, run-in conversations that we fear having with people we could actually be getting to know. Or maybe that’s just what I think.
Image Sources: stock-clip.com
