BY: JESSICA BEUKER
Breakups are hard. Very rarely does the situation allow for a mature, amicable separation, where both parties walk away unscathed and on the path to friendship. No, more often one person will awkwardly stumble through a 10-minute, rehearsed monologue, littered with ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ clichés, where both parties walk away fuming in anger, and proceed to dramatically delete one another from their social networking sphere.
Having been on both ends before, I understand that the position of the Breaker-upper can often be worse, only for the fact that you know it’s coming and you will be riddled with fear and anxiety for two weeks while you figure out how to deliver the news. A new online shop has recognized this agony, and taken it upon themselves to create a business that will do the breaking up for you. Yes, that’s right – it’s called The Breakup Shop.
The options for choosing the perfect breakup are endless. The text message option is only $10 and will be sent out at your preferred time. If you prefer to break someone’s heart old-school style, there is the paper letter option for $20. Last but not least, you can pay $29 for the elite telephone breakup.
For an additional $10 the company will throw in specific names, details and explanations. Rush rates are also available – for when Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and you really can’t spend extra money on a card or oversized teddy bear holding a heart.
The best part – the Breakup Shop even has an online store, complete with breakup essentials that you can purchase for a newly single friend, or send with your breakup to help cushion the blow. You can buy items individually, or for $80 you can get the deluxe package complete with a box of Chips Ahoy! cookies, a $30 Netflix gift card, two red wine glasses (one for you and one for your cat, I’m assuming), a choice between The Notebook on Blu-ray or Call of Duty: Ghosts, a handcrafted sympathy letter, and a box you can use to shove pictures of your ex into and light on fire.
It would be really nice if we could all take the high road and tell the person face-to-face, but sour situations have turned many people off of that route. I once broke up with a guy, who at the time took it very well. It wasn’t until half an hour later, when I got home, that he called to break up with me. The entire situation was extremely confusing and uncomfortable. Did he blackout during my break up? Did I dream the whole thing? It turns out, he had heard me, but decided that he should call to let me know that he had already been planning to break up with me for weeks, and that he was completely fine with the whole situation because he didn’t like me anyways and was looking for a way to get off the hook, but didn’t want to break my fragile heart. This would have been more convincing if he wasn’t crying between sentences.
Besides having to awkwardly look a person in the eyes, or those special instances where yelling is involved, I still prefer my breakups face-to-face – no matter what end I’m on.
A text or voicemail is a cowardly attempt at making a difficult situation slightly better and easier, but only on one end. The other person deserves better. Unless of course the person you’re breaking up with is a psychopath, serial cheater, emotionally or physically abusive, or wears Crocs – in that case the cheapest Breakup Shop option with no additional add-ons will suffice.