BY: THE PLAID ZEBRA
In a dishevelled and upsettingly erratic state, Donald Trump just announced his bid for presidency drawing concerns that he has developed a crippling addiction to bath salts. In the 68-storey Trump Tower, the real estate magnate and reality TV star announced while quite literally foaming at the mouth that he would be trying to slither his way into the Oval Office.
Photo: Brendan Mcdermid/Reuters
Although his trademark beady pig eyes made it impossible for experts to determine if his pupils were in fact dilated, his behaviour aligns with many of the signs and symptoms of relentless bath salts abuse.
Narconon drug rehabilitation program describes the behaviour of a bath salt abuser as “self-destructive”, prone to public acts and statements of social suicide that leave witnesses thinking that there must be something fundamentally wrong with the addict’s brain-chemistry.
“Mexico, at the border, they are laughing at us,” Trump said becoming noticeably paranoid that a merry band of rapists were lining up to laugh at the steel-wool hair topping his sour fleshy face.
The drug rehab program also notes that the paranoia often results in bouts of aggression and uncontrolled attacks on others, Trump taking a moment to unclench his jaw to mock the U.S. Secretary of state who snapped his femur in two in a brutal cycling accident in Geneva.
Mr. Trump appeared to be completely dissociated from reality, boasting an 8.7 billion dollar net worth in an attempt to show that he could in fact relate to the plight of the average American voter. He did, however, offer to fill the massive void in the domestic social safety net that would be opened by repealing ObamaCare by making all websites three dollars.
The public has expressed extreme concerns for the well being of Trump, who is suspected to now be at the mercy of a devastating bath salt addiction and continued delusions that he may in fact one day be president.
* This article is meant to cater to the largely indifferent public by delivering political news through satire.*